I dunno wat made me like u, wat made me care for u, i honestly dunno until now...but i remember the day dat i was in the bus coming home n u suddenly called to say u were in an accident...even at that time, i didnt care much, but wen u cried on the fone, my heart reli went all out to you, n dats wen i started caring about u....i remember the day dat u told me u were gonna dissect a hamster at omega, n u didnt like doing it...n i went n got u a mouse plush toy from harris.....n u gt me an emo doll keychain for my fone that wud light up wen an incoming call or msg came, n the card ....i still keep it safely with me
proof dat i still have it with me......love the way u capitalised the letter A in ur name n mine...
This was the first gift dat i ever received from you, n i cherished it a lot...i still do, whenever i miss u, i look at it n smile...it gives me strength...the nxt thg dat u gave me was a cd....u burned the soundtrack of slumdog millionaire n insisted to give it to me, u gave it to me on the day that they had the maulidur rasul celebration n we had to watch slumdog..haha, u barely looked at me...yet i accepted the cd although i was skeptical of the music..but due to ur eagerness n hardwork, i listened to it, n of course music maestro A.R Rahman never dissapointed anyone...i remember those nights we used to chat on msn until 1 in the morning n u used to ask a lot of questions..yet i learnt how to be patient n answer ur questions...i remember the time i asked u whether u had movies that u could gv me via pendrive...n the reply i gt was in a letter...haha, dat was a very sweet gesture, u writing on paper dat u were sorry dat u couldnt gv me any movies n u asked for forgiveness...it was very cute, u asking me to forgv my bro....
Next we hit our first rough patch in our relationship, i said dat i didnt find u handsome nor cute, n u ambil hati, u refused to answer my calls n reply my smses...for one week we were like dat, n dats wen i realised how deep i cared about u, nt knowing whether u were okay, nt being able to talk to you, that week was hell to me, i dunno whether it was hell to u or nt, then one fine day, my fone was confiscated, n all i wanted to was message you...haiz, i remember i asked my dad to buy me another sim card just so i could contact you, i pretended to be someone else n msged you, finally u realised it was me...that nite was the nite dat u finally talked to me as normal, n i was so happy regardless of my fone still being confiscated....that was the moment i started being happy again, u made me happy =)
Then all of a sudden, in july, u told me u loved me , regardless of which way the love was, u said im the first girl u have ever told it to, i really felt appreciated that day, i rmbr u even told me to tell my two bff's...haha, they were wondering y u told me to tell them....
At that time i honestly dunno how my feelings towards u were..whether brotherly or romantic...then u started coming to my block at skewl to hang out with me, yet u would bring ur entourage along..it was kinda irritating dat wen i wanted to spend time with u, i had to put up with ur bodyguards...i remembered u used to get free drinks from the koperasi n wud gv me one, even if u didnt have it for urself...u used to tell me nt to waste my money buying drinks...bubbles bubbles...whenever i went for bowling practice on fridays, i would pester you to come, but u nvr will!!! although ur friends always came n bowled with me, i always wanted to bowl with you, but u would nvr cm!!! Yet, wen i am bowling, u would call n talk to me......all the moments that i spent on the phone with u were n are very precious to me.....
then august came n u told me u were shifting homes, n u called me from ur prospective home, n talked n talked n talked, i miss dat day, i remember during this period of time, esp during the sch hols, u msged me a lot, there even was a day where we talked 3 times a day n u still managed to send me 128 smses in the same day, n we talked until 3 in the morn dat day...
Then sumthng sad happened, i realised i was in love with you...n i wanted to tell it to u on ur birthday, a week b4 dat i went shopping to buy u a gift, n i thought i would be able to tell u wat i felt on that day...haiz, the moment i gave u the present, u asked me wat was i still doing at ur table, so i went away..that evening wen u called me, i didnt even have the heart to tell you how i felt as u made me extremely sad, n u even said u didnt like the present i gave :'(, dat nite i really cried...n the nxt day, u told me u loved someone n was going to propose to her, that nite i spent the nite crying too...then i just wanted to leave you, cos i couldnt keep it all inside ,then on dat saturday, u meet me n tell me dat u actually we together with her for a year already...n dat u broke up the nite b4, i was so mad that u lied to me, yet i didnt scold cos u were sad, all i could do was comfort you, the nxt day u told me u were back together again, i honestly couldnt take it anymore, but i had to, i didnt have a choice....but to keep it all inside, yet i wondered, if u were with her for a year, how the hell did u managed to find the time to msg n call me all the time?? dat was the first time u ever lied to me....n it brought realisation dat uv lied before, wen u told me that i was the first gurl u told dat u loved, the trust dat i had in you, really lessened, n i was heartbroken inside...
Yet i remember that during ur main examinations, u managed to come n meet me in Rejeeta's one sunday when i went there with my mum, dat evening u told me dat u wanted to study cos on the nxt day u had maths, yet suddenly u msged me to say u saw my car...n in 10 minutes, ur sitting on ur bike outside the shop, looking adorable,sad though i didnt get to spend time with u dat day....
after the exams, u started skipping skewl, but u still managed to spend time with me every thursday b4 my tuition, giving some excuse to ur family, lying just to meet me, wen u did dat, i reli appreciated it, i didnt noe whether u knew my feelings towards you, but for me, every moment i spent walking with u around cs, was very precious to me, u held my hand, slapped me, pinched me, kissed my cheek for the first time, u made me kiss ur cheek at the bus terminal b4 i left n u left a scar on my right arm...i still have it now, then u even told me dat if u werent with her, u wouldve been with me...dat was the first indication dat u did return the feelings dat i had towards you, but u loved her too, n i realised that wat was happening was wrong, but love is blind isnt it?
All this i kept inside of me without telling u, cos i didnt wanna make u choose, cos sumthng told me u would choose her....yt one day, in sch, i just couldnt take it anymore...being with u this way, the sisterly feelings i had towards you just vanished!! n it was replaced by love, god noes how, but u made me fall in love with you...i remember one thursday we spent time together in cs, n again u told me if u werent with her, it wouldve been me....n the nxt day, i told you how i felt, yet as i expected, ur response was negative, i was totally heartbroken n in despair...i thought sumthng couldve resulted from this..but it didnt, n by dat time, stpm was approaching....n i wasnt studying well as i was honestly broken down...n the nxt week we had a tough time the whole week, but dat thursday, we decided to get digi postpaid n subline...NOV 5!! exactly 2 weeks from my first stpm paper, bio....dat day, was one of the most romantic moments i spent with you....everyone else was at home studying but i was traipsing across plaza pelangi with you....we went to the digi centre n did everythg hoping dat soon calls btwn us would be free, n then we went to Sdp Crnr to eat, n there u reli made me feel like i was the most important person to you....u didnt finish ur food..AS ALWAYS!!! then while i was eating, u lied on my shoulder, haha, dat was funny....n wen i was done, u moved away, n i lied against the wall, although u expected me to lie against you...n i did...at that moment i tried to forget all the other circumstances that shouted at me, i just wanted to lie on ur shoulder cos it made me feel safe, very safe...n i held ur hand, at dat moment, i honestly thought dat u were mine....then we nearly kissed..haha, dat was awkward, but i knew dat u did wanna kiss me, but thk god it didnt happen...then we acted as if dat moment didnt happen n we walked out of Sdp Crnr n just held hands n walked around Pelangi, wat i knew was dat u kissed my cheek alot during dat time...n then we went to cold storage to buy licorice, n then all of a sudden u grabbed my mouth n said that u could kiss me now if u wanted to, but i was glad dat it didnt happen, although i honestly wanted it to happen so badly...haiz, lady luck was never on my side
Henceforth i had many breakdowns daily, knowing dat u loved her n nt me, it was hell, total hell for me, but i could not shake my love for you away as it was too important to me, although i knew i was captaining a sinking ship, whenever u told me u wanted to go n meet her, my heart reli sank, n i would spend a lot of time crying, the amount of tears i have cried for u could fill several buckets...stpm came n went, during dat time, u called me, to comfort me, although by right, u shouldnt be the one comforting me, yet i found solace in ur embrace....then we made a deal of going out they day my exams were over, 10th Dec 2009, i was totally looking forward to it...but ur cousins came over n u couldnt come out with me....haiz, then my birthday approached, n i wanted to spend it with u sooo badly, i wonder whether u wanted to spend it with me....but i went to kl to spend it with my cousins who came down from Australia, yet i was happy as u were the first to call n wish me and during my stay in kl, u were constantly in touch with me, either via msg or a fone call....n at dat point u reli made my birthday very wonderful n meaningful although u werent with me at all...then i came home to jb n went out with u on the 21st of dec...another day i will nvr ever forget...u made me love you more then...u really did, we went to watch avatar, but didnt end up watching much of it, n finally u kissed me, although it should not have happened, knowing dat u had a gf, i didnt noe whether u did it solely for me, or did u want it just as much, but it was the sweetest kiss till date...n after dat i cried, n u wiped my tears away, n i lied on ur shoulder n kissed ur cheek, n we shared another sweet kiss although it was wrong...
At that point i knew dat u loved me too...u told me so, but i also knew u were tied up to her....honestly, i started doing stupid things dat at one point, i myself told u i would never do....the pain of not being with u was so unbearable, it was piercing through my heart, it may sound dramatic, but dats how i felt, dats how u made me feel, u made me feel like the lowest form of being in this universe...yet u made my love grow deeper n deeper....
At this point, we used to end our talks with i love you's n go to sleep, although it was wrong, yet i found genuine happiness in it, yet came a point where i knew u had to choose, u cant keep both of us, n u had to choose, u chose me, but then u wanted to go back to her, i was devastated, i did all i could to keep u with me, i gave u everything i couldve given n we lasted just a little more than a month....although u put me thru a lot of hardship in dat span, i still loved you, i even lied to my permanent promoter n came to cs just to spend 45 minutes with u, dats how much i loved u...too much for my own good, yet wen u gt caught, u gave up on us, cos u didnt noe how to manage us...u lied, u broke my heart in a totally new way...the way only a lover can...u broke my heart into pieces...knowing that my heart has been broken b4 by someone, u did what he did, n u caused me more pain n misery because i loved u more, n unconditionally, regardless of age....
U really honestly ripped my heart, no other guy has ever done wat u did to me...even now i wonder, the reason u apologise, whether is it to really earn my trust back n my forgiveness, or r u doing it out of fear....i honestly hope to god dat ur doing this because deep down u still care for me n dun wanna lose me in some way...dats all i can hope...cos deep down inside, i do love you in some way still, iv always loved u, first as a brother, then as a lover n now, as sumthng which i cant distinguish nor recognize, yet i do love u in some way n care for u....even now u gave me a present, sumthng wic is actually urs but u gave it to me to keep
pinky stitch!! my fave colour ~~
Now wen the going is tough for you, u blame me, i can totally understand the immaturity of ur brain to think the way i thk, if u blame me for wat ur facing, then let it be, none of it, i did it on purpose, you are someone i will never forget in my life, never ever will i forget you, although u say u hate me, i try to think of the good things dat we have been through to keep the pain away, yet the words still hurt, they hurt too much...wen another guy says he hates me to the max, i can take it, but wen u said it, i felt the whole world crashing around me, cause although ur nt my boyfriend anymore, u mean a lot to me, cos iv been thru a lot with you...yet ur words are too harsh, but wat can i do?? U are someone who made a vast difference in my life, n u can say dat we have already had one year together, n u wanna leave?? people do not meet n get to know other people just to leave wen the going gets tough, they meet n get to noe other people to leave a mark in others life...n their relationship would continue throughout their lifetime...i trusted u once to tell u the deepest secret in my life that no one else in the world noes, n i noe u noe wat it is....all i can say is wen i leave, i wanna have happy memories of us, nt sad ones, cos these are the things that will motivate me to be a better person in life, u have made ur mark in my life, n i dun wan it to go away!!!
:'(
i spent three hours writing wtv i felt, n most of the time, i was in tears....
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